long summer shorty

each time I post a plate of something like this summery short rib with blistered haricot, sautéed cucumber and red onion, roasted radish, cherry tomato, bleu d’auvergne, oregano, and reduced beefy jus I feel since old liberal lefty guilty impulses die hard ethically impelled to include a gentle reminder to self and others via a pictoral supplement to this food porn diet or more likely via these thousand words that the burning world is full of painful contradictions that bear repeated pointing out no matter how obvious they may appear to be and so it is this morning that I wonder who is trending underfed up in the skyless cloud there must be pictures to counterweight my ribs who are the internet biafrans of today and if you get that reference you and I can date each other don’t get it mixed up with Bangladesh that was another story they got a concert from the hippiest beatle of all as far as I can recall there was no concert for biafra all biafra got was jello but that was then this is some kind of now in which the current poster children for starvation if they would please turn on location services before sending out instagram photos of themselves starving then we would know where they are lol and behold they might be from Mississippi the odds-on domestic favorite but how on earth could anyone be starving there don’t they have a Costco or a Walmart on every sunny side of the street has the war on poverty not reached the southern front yet no the war on poverty ended ages ago and yielded less than a scorched Iowa corn field in 2012 its been a grim summer people are going to pay for it at the high fructose corn syrup pump I’m going to pay for it every time I pile into my corn-fed hybrid to go source some local baby fuel some non-GMO line-caught downer-cow-free infant formula I have no sign in my rear window but I do in fact have a baby on board in tow here she is

this joyful little shorty is brand new to the world which may be why I am thinking so much about life and death and eating she eats 7 or 8 times a day and poops and pees all over the place in and out baby but no burgers just formula and though she’s not a "huge foodie" she is asking for edible dirt already but she doesn’t really have the stomach for it and I have mixed feelings about it as well I mean I used to think so what if chefs want to put out plates of signature mock-earth and they utilize the latest in culinary science to concoct dirt out of top-notch ingredients

but now I am changing my tune about this fabrication of terroir because dirt is already edible you can almost live on it just ask any Haitian who was making dirt cakes and eating them after the big earthquake in 2010 when there was a shortage of short ribs and baby formula not to mention potable water so if any old hot iron top celebrity chef wants to make haute dirt maybe he or she needs to take a little trip south and see how it is really done please be sure to ask a Haitian for some pairing recommendations ok ok maybe I need to come down from my high horse and stop shouting insolent misguided condemnations and holier-than-thous in such a delusional self-edifying voice edible dirt has been around for a long time kids have been making it since the dawn of oreos not just fancypants cooks besides I have never been to Haiti and though I have eaten dirt by which I mean had my face smashed into the ground I have never tried to survive on the stuff but should I ever find myself in that position I am going to call on every chef in town who plates soil to see if they can help me out they may politely refuse my calls but I will leave a detailed message nonetheless kind sir due to an unfortunate turn of events and a drastic change in my circumstances I need to eat dirt I need some for my baby too sister can you spare a dime bag or just a little spoonful of your precious crumble and if I don’t hear back I will rummage through your dumpster anyway or the dumpsters of any number of other high end cutting edge bandwagon-jumping eateries where the LA food dirt scene is being defined as we tweet "we are all dirt eaters tonight" we are always all something in twitterland something being jelloless biafrans in search of Mississippi mud in the dumpsters of the rich and famous where we hope to strike gold in a little leftover pile of edible soil and if I am lucky or if I source it properly it will be properly local though I won't snub my nose at any of the stuff that someone had fedexed in from Haiti just in time for dinner service because it is delicious the foie gras of dirts it is the shit