house-made yelps

(the name elysian has been removed to protect the brand identity and integrity of elysian)

took the wife to _____ for our anniversary. have to say i was expecting super high standards based on everything i read and heard about this place. big disappointment. she had the tasting menu and while she oohed and ahhed over a few of the items, the duck confit with rhubarb orbs in particular, overall it was pretty mediocre. i opted for the pork ribs, after a starter of squid ink pasta with blackened lettuce. The dishes were decent enough, but nothing that knocked my socks off. I wanted my socks knocked off. I wanted my wifes socks knocked off too because it was our anniversary and I was frankly a little randy and ready for some sloppy mildly wine-drunk sex (it’s been a while, to be honest with you) after our dinner out, and I know from experience that that scenario is not going to be in the cards if the food is not over the top good you know jaw droppingly good and she leaves the place all drooling if you know what i mean. thanks alot____ for making it another right-handed evening for me and old robert wood johnson.

well we finally went to ____ the other night--i have been bugging my girlfriend for over a year about it--and it was ahhhhhhhhhmaaaaaaazzzzzing! I  know alot about food now from all the shows and blogs and everything plus I cook alot at home I might even be one of those dreaded foodies! and i have to say everything we ate was perfectly seasoned and the balance of acid and fat and bitter and umami and everything was right on the money. kudos to the chef and staff and the service was exquisite. its a pricey night out that is true but if you are the kind of douche-chump-snob who drops $500 on a dinner this is the place to do it because it is worth every penny even though it is only $42 they could charge $500 and i would pay it because it is soooooooooo goooooooood!  if i could give this place ten stars thats what i would do but i can only give it five here on yelp, what is up with that yelp, i should be able to give as many stars as dollars i spent on my incredible meal, and like i said even that would not be enough!!

_____. four stars, wtf? hold the phone michelin! this place sucks and is really terrible i dont care what all these other reviews say, they are just plain wrong and are buying in to some hipster hype about where to eat in dtla west titticaca santa silverlake los feliza monica. i mean really, they say they are all local and hand crafted and all that, if that's true then so is dennys and so is iHop. they need to learn how to cook. where is gordon ramsay when you need him? even rachel ray could do better than this kitchen crew and she is about the pinnacle of the worst, at least in the kitchen, i mean you have to give her props for her marketing genius. seriously. never going back and i recommend you never go at all either take my word for it my word the word of a total stranger who claims to know something about food and whose attitude is venal and inconsiderate and unforgiving and just contributes to the demise of civility, decency and humility in the world you cant think for yourself anyway you are an idiot and a sheep that is why you are reading my buttheaded review even though we both know the old saying about what opinions are like if you had a shred of balls left you would not read this shit you would just go out and try a new place and form your own opinion and not feel any compulsion to write about it as if your opinion-asshole matters so much that the throngs are itching to slurp it up or as if there were not other things going on in the world that deserve at least a sliver of the attention you are devoting to this yelp nonsense